


Still With You

by halahan



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: (only partial), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Amnesia, Angst, Astraphobia, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Crying, M/M, One Shot, Rain, Sad, Storm - Freeform, i promise it's not as bad as the tags make it sounds..., minor accident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24615538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halahan/pseuds/halahan
Summary: “Is there– is there something you wanted me to remember?”or the one where Hongjoong forgot.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Kim Hongjoong
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	Still With You

**Author's Note:**

> [listen along](https://soundcloud.com/bangtan/thankyouarmy2020)

On the first night after Hongjoong woke up, Jongho had cried himself to sleep, alone.

When the doctor had said that “due to the head trauma, he might have lost part of his recent memories,” Jongho didn’t think it meant that all of _their_ memories would be lost. While everyone else had been in the room with them, Jongho had stayed withdrawn, letting them talk to Hongjoong to see what memories he’d lost while he silently worried in the corner. Once everyone left the room, Jongho sat next to Hongjoong’s bed, trying not to let himself break down at the sight of the bandages, and taken his hand. Maybe the first clue should have been that the leader flinched. But Jongho had other things on his mind.

“Hyung,” he started, hesitant, “what’s the… last thing you remember of us. Outside of… work.”

Hongjoong seems to think for a moment before he smiles softly. A tiny light of hope had sparked in Jongho, before Hongjoong opened his mouth. “When we all went for pizza after the comeback promotions.”

Jongho frowns. “No, I mean–” he takes a breath. “Of _us_. As in you and me.”

It’s Hongjoong’s turn to frown. “Just us two? Maybe recording the guide– Wait no you said outside of work, sorry. Um...” Hongjoong bites his lip, his eyes roam around the room, glancing awkwardly at the younger every so often.

Jongho’s heart squeezes so tight in his chest that he feels suffocated. “Never mind,” he chokes out, hiding his hurt under a chuckle, “you should rest instead of racking your brain for me.”

“Is there– is there something you wanted me to remember?”

Jongho looks up at the leader, whose eyes are so kind, and in which he wishes he could drown for hours on end, but something that had appeared in them a few months back has disappeared again and it almost feels like it’s been stolen from Jongho. He gives another weak smile and shakes his head. “Nothing you should worry about, hyung. Rest, get well soon.” He gets up, collecting his jacket and heading towards the door as Hongjoong bids him goodbye. He gives Hongjoong one last look, which isn’t reciprocated, before he leaves the room, closing the door behind him as he whispers “come back to me.”

From then to the moment he rolls into his bed, he doesn’t look at or speak to anyone. But, in the comfort of his covers, in the silence of the room, he lets himself come apart.

Hongjoong and him… It was a secret. It had only been a few months since they started turning around each other—even if it had been a couple more since Jongho had realized how different his love for Hongjoong was from the one he felt for the other members—and it had only been around six months since they decided to do _something_ about it. They hadn’t told anyone about it, both afraid of what reactions they could get, and wanting to keep it to themselves, like a treasure, something that only the two of them knew about.

And now, it was all gone. All it took was was the fraction of a second, someone not looking where they were walking, bumping shoulders with Hongjoong and making him lose his balance, sending his body tumbling down the stairs. If Jongho had the energy to be angry, he would storm into the CEO’s office and ask, no, _demand_ that this person gets fired. But he didn’t have that energy. All he had were his two eyes to cry.

There was something tragic about being the only one to remember, to _know_. If sharing this secret with Hongjoong had made it special and precious, being the only one made it feel like Jongho had dreamt all of it. If no one else knows about it, it might as well have never happened, he might as well have imagined it all. And it hurt, so much. It twisted his guts as he tried not to wake Mingi up with his sobs, it crushed his heart into a pulp to think about the look on Hongjoong’s face, it squeezed his throat to stop him from telling Hongjoong everything.

However, Jongho couldn’t tell anyone, especially not Hongjoong. He couldn’t do that to him, he couldn’t put another weight on his shoulders.

* * *

For a week, Jongho didn’t see Hongjoong. He always found reasons not to visit him, it being either that he had an appointment or needed to practice, but the truth is that he wasn’t sure he could handle it. Maybe it wasn’t really fair of him since Hongjoong couldn’t understand, maybe it was selfish, but no matter how bad the youngest felt, he knew that seeing Hongjoong again so soon would be worse. Other members could keep him company, other members could try to tell him about everything—well, almost everything—he’d missed, other members could accompany him to his MRI scan, other members could sigh in relief learning that aside from the slight memory loss, everything looked fine and that as soon as the bump on his head would have disappeared it would all seem like a bad dream. Jongho couldn’t.

But when this week eventually came to an end, Hongjoong came back to the dorm. He had been offered a month-long leave by the company but had refused it, saying that since he didn’t want the fans to know about the accident not to worry them, he was going to stay and get back to work slowly, going to learn his own songs again. They hadn’t been able to play them to him at the hospital and had done a small listening party the day he came back. Hongjoong had cried, and the sight had twisted Jongho’s insides again as he watched from the other side of the room. Hongjoong had cried listening to the music he’d made himself because he had made it but, aside from some parts, couldn’t remember it.

It took another week of half-heartedly avoiding Hongjoong for Jongho to pull himself back together. After ‘mourning’—he hated the sound of it, but he knew that it was what he had been doing, in a way—Jongho decided to make it up to Hongjoong. He spent extra time telling Hongjoong about episodes he’d missed (although nothing about _them_ ) and catching him up on everything regarding their job, making him watch shows or performances they had done, and retelling him what had happened in the ones that weren’t online yet.

Even if it wasn’t like before, like it should have been, it was still good to spend time with Hongjoong, one on one. He had to remind himself multiple times to act according to what Hongjoong remembered of them. He couldn’t wrap an arm around his shoulders and rest his head on top of Hongjoong’s, he couldn’t stare at him while he laughed and kiss him when Hongjoong caught his eyes on him, he couldn’t slap his ass when no one was watching to make him giggle, he couldn’t lace their fingers under the table, couldn’t whisper into his ear. But what he could do was take care of him, make sure he was healthy and well-rested, and that he wasn’t beating himself up too much. So that’s exactly what Jongho did.

* * *

It has been almost a month since Hongjoong’s accident, and Jongho notes that it should have been the four-month anniversary of their first kiss. It’s late, and raining, but Jongho can’t seem to find sleep. He’s on his phone, scrolling through social media—he doesn’t know if he’s glad that no one seems to have noticed what happened or if he’s mad, even if he could never really be mad at their fans—when the door creeks open. Jongho looks up, expecting to see Mingi, who hadn’t came back from what he had said was the 99-line-cuddle-pile night yet, but the dark silhouette cutting through the hallway light is much smaller.

“Hongjoong hyung?” Jongho says, his voice just short of a whisper.

“C-can I come in?” Hongjoong shyly asks. “I– I wanted to find someone to cuddle but Seonghwa is asleep with his earplugs on and the 99 liners are asleep too, all on top of each other in Yunho’s and San’s room. I think the concussion made me afraid of storms...”

There’s a pause, and Jongho can see Hongjoong’s shadow play with the hem of his shirt. _My shirt_ , Jongho realizes when a flash of light from the window illuminates him. The sounds of it follows a few instants later, making Hongjoong flinch.

“Of course,” the younger replies, promptly scouting to the side, making space for the leader who closes the door behind him and climbs into the bed.

Hongjoong settles against Jongho, head on the extended arm he had offered. His feet are cold as they brush against Jongho’s leg under the blankets. “Good?” Jongho asks when Hongjoong stops moving, visibly comfortable.

“Hm-mhm, thank you. I’ll stay until the storm stops if that’s okay with you?”

“Sure,” he says softly. Considering how hard the rain hits the windows, Jongho doubts that will be any time soon. He goes back to his phone, something to take his mind off of the warm body he knows too well nestled into his side.

Absorbed into his phone, Jongho’s mind had instinctively wrapped his arm tighter around the older, his fingers drawing patterns on the exposed part of his arm. But by the time Jongho realizes, Hongjoong is already fast asleep, breathing slowly through his mouth against Jongho’s chest. Jongho lets out a small breath, his lips curving into a smile only Hongjoong used to see.

He decides that it might be time for him to sleep too, putting his phone on his bedside table and sliding down the headboard to fully lay down. The movement inevitably makes Hongjoong stir in his sleep.

Jongho’s heart suddenly soars. Arms are locking around his body, Hongjoong’s nose nuzzling up to his jaw as he comes to settled half on top of Jongho, their legs soon tangled. Hongjoong is clinging to him like a koala, and a memory comes to Jongho’s mind.

_“What do you mean you’re surprised I like you!” Hongjoong exclaims, offended. “I’ve been showing you signs that I want to be close for days !”_

_Jongho scoffs. “Like what exactly?”_

_Hongjoong stammers, his lips in a pout and his eyebrows furrowed._ Cute, _Jongho thinks. “Like– like… I held your hand at least twice, I let you stay in the studio while I worked and– and that night we cuddled, I was holding you so tight!”_

_Jongho smiles. “Is that so?”_

_“Yes!” The leader looks adorable to Jongho like this, throwing his arms in the air like a child. “I don’t even hug my mother that close!”_

_The other chuckles. “Really? Is it because you like how my muscles feel against your small body?”_

_“Y—” Hongjoong’s eyes thin out, scrutinizing Jongho carefully before hitting his arm with a blush. “You’re just trying to make me compliment you now!”_

_“It’s working.”_

_Hongjoong buries his face in his hands and Jongho laughs before pulling him against his chest and resting his chin atop his hair._

_“And what if I do like that...” Hongjoong mumbles, and even though Jongho pretends he didn’t hear it, he tucks the words into a corner of his mind, for later use purposes._

Jongho lets out a quiet chuckle. “I like that, too.”

He kisses the top of the other’s hair before closing his eyes and letting himself be lulled to sleep by the rhythm of Hongjoong’s breathing and the rain on the window, holding the small body tight, never wanting to let go.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't take responsibility for the tears ensued <3  
> (the fic isn't based on the song, but it fits really well i think, hence the title)
> 
> talk to me:  
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/atzplay)  
> [curiouscat](http://curiouscat.me/alpacats)


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